below are the words i texted a friend who admitted her struggle with “detachment”. i shared with her a bit of my own journey with this along with some insight of how this has found resonance in my life. i want to share these thoughts here as well, for you my friends…
I have had to move away from the word “detachment”. It birthed within
me an emotional reaction akin to indifference or even denial, which
didn’t marry itself well to the aspiration of working for the benefit
of this world, etc. I have found that working with non-attachment as
“letting go” or better yet, as “abiding” meant I could still care –
still be present, but it also left open the possibility that in doing
so I don’t have to be tied to outcomes or adversely affected. I don’t
have to suffer. Anyway, just a few thoughts on my experience
Thursday, November 15, 2012
“Stop, look around, and see how wonderful life is: the trees, the white clouds, the infinite sky. Listen to the birds, delight in the light breeze. Let us walk as free people…”
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
I was raised Lutheran, which is a denomination of the Protestant branch of Christianity. If Episcopalians are “Catholic light”, then we were even a bit “lighter” with just a few Sacraments short of the full deal. Nonetheless, giving up something for the Lenten season was a pretty regularly encouraged practice, though not rigorously enforced. It is the season of fasting bookended by Ash Wednesday at the beginning and ending with Holy Thursday or Easter Eve in some cases. It is about a six week or 40 day period to commemorate the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert. We would “fast” or give up something important to us during this period. Adults often gave up drinking alcohol and perhaps other “vices” during this time. As children, we often gave up candy or dessert or some other thing that made us resent the whole practice, leading us to see it mainly as a way for adults to oppress us further…what did candy ever do to anyone?! Just because Jesus didn’t have dessert in the desert, why can’t I? In any case, at the very least, Lent would provoke a roll of the eyes if not a fully committed grimace. Why does God want me to do without? How is this, an act of worship?
What? There’s a practical purpose to this nonsense?..
It wasn’t until the end of my early early adulthood that I began to see the subtle genius in fasting as a practice. It takes time to break habits. It takes time to create habits. There are many differing opinions regarding how long it takes to break or create a habit. It can depend on how deeply imbedded these patterns are and everyone is different. That being said, there seems to be some consensus that it can take about a month and a half…six weeks.
Here’s an example….
A number of years ago, my friend Mitch and myself discussed giving up stuff for Lent and possibly taking on a good habit or two as well. It was an opportunity for me to return to this practice as an adult and for Mitch who had not been raised with a particular religion, it was an opportunity to try it out. We took up the challenge. One of the challenges (thing to give up) was coffee. I know this is sacrilege for some, however, I knew I wasn’t addicted – I mean, I can drink a cup right before bed and then promptly lay down and go to sleep. And I knew I didn’t need coffee, so I thought it would be a no-brainer, easy-peasy, walk in the park. The first day was a breeze. None of that headache or body ache or lack of focus stuff people lament after giving up coffee. Day One = Success….then Day Two happened. Day Two began with one of the worst headaches I’ve ever had. Nothing seemed to help and somehow knowing that I still had more to gain from this experience, the headache decided to last for another two days….just to make its point. I couldn’t believe it. I had been physically addicted to coffee.
I did go back to drinking coffee, though not nearly as much since I fell in love with tea, but I learned a valuable lesson about myself and my body through fasting.
It isn’t about taking away…it is about letting go…
Now here I am today, nearing the beginning of middle adulthood, seeing my younger days in the rear view mirror and fasting has become something else. I now see fasting as an exercise, a practice in simplicity and letting go. I think this lesson is very much within the body of fasting within the Christian context and certainly a lesson within Jesus’ 40 days in the desert, or even the 40 days for Noah riding – waiting, during the flood. It can be good to surrender; it can be good to grow in our capacity to wait. But for me, it has been through the lens of my Buddhist practice – where letting go is the main theme – that I have seen and experienced this practice anew.
As a child, or as I did with my friend Mitch, it was a practice of community, of support, of accountability. Now it is a solitary practice, one in which I discover what is actually necessary, what I can do without, what is real. Fasting has become a practice of not only the letting go of physical or material things, but of looking deeper to emotions and patterns of the mind. Fasting from anger, from despair, from fear and grasping. Fasting is a way to promote simplicity and create space, so I am available to this present moment, to what is here for me now in this moment, that I may be aware and free to dance with Life and sing the song of Love with all.
When I can do this, when we can do this, we will be able as Thich Nhat Hanh says in the quote above, to walk as free people.
In the meantime, every once in a while, I will give up things like shaving…that can also feel free.
BTW ~ Fasting can also be a form of protest…perhaps another blog related to forms of protest?…
Ben at The Horizontalist is off traveling this week and will return soon. For more reading on this Solidarity Thursday topic, please check out these other wonderful blogs: Esther at Church in the Canyon. And with a truly unique take on all things Solidarity Thursday is Triskaidekapod. Join the conversation!
people come in and out of our lives…all of them guests. treating all as gifts to our well-being, teachers to our learning, nourishment to our souls, recipients of our giving. we let them pass through with our blessing for happiness and freedom from suffering. with an open heart we say, “Welcome” as they enter in, and with an open heart we say, “Be well” as they move on. this is the Love of non-attachment, this is the Love of friendship.
Wednesday, September 5th 2012
that every morning a
waits, ready to
pick anew my wounded heart
i suppose i should thank it
and call it “friend”
keeping me from
to see you, the one, arrive each day
brings the hurt back
even knowing you are not
mine to keep – to hold onto
as if there is such a thing
so ridiculous and seductive
the ego’s grasping
a whirling balloon on
an uncaptained boat on
a raging sea
i cling to the Dharma
all will change
all will fade away
and yet in some way…
dying to my self
my ideas – my dreams
nothing to own – nothing to hold
of you and me
a lonely road
paved with wounds
watered with tears
tears giving life
sprouts of hope
a hope for a love complete
whatever that is…
i don’t know
i only know to hope for it
even as i know to breathe
i hold you in my heart
so be well, dear friend
so be happy, dear love
and be at peace
for in my heart
you will remain
even as i fade away
continue on in some other way…
you’re far too beautiful
to hold onto such
good, bad, sad coming
good, bad, sad ever going
all of Life is Now
great suffering and bliss shared
in this, our One Heart
without a doubt, these past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion. shadowed by worry, tension, grief, at times guilt, and with an even more consistent presence – confusion.
details are not necessary. but the preceding weeks have brought the loss of people in my life and the seeming estrangement and confusion of what is a very dear to my heart friendship. the price has been exhaustion, and at times an overwhelming burden of a weight i know i should not attempt to bear…and a feeling of helplessness, feeling alone, and deep, deep sadness.
Life is good.
i’m not making a joke. Life is good. we have never been promised an easy road. the road ahead has guaranteed suffering. but we also know that all these things pass. and that the road ahead can be graced with many good, good things and if we open our eyes and hearts to it, we have Love available to us right here – right now. like the Love that lives in our friendships. i have no doubt that some of my closest friends have been the pillars that have been holding up my heart during this time. pillars with names like Amy, Cynthie, Shannon, Mitch. i am blessed.
in Buddhism we are taught that life is always changing, fleeting and transitioning. nothing is stationary. how do i not grasp at friendships, at life, and control? how do i go about this when feeling overwhelmed?
i sit and breathe.
i sit with patience.
i sit with an open heart.
i sit and let go.
waiting with compassion for the Ocean’s next wave…
thank you, for keeping me company.
peace & love to you dear friends…