ego
a moment of zen…
i was pulling out of the McDonald’s parking lot, after a failed attempt to ween myself from the consumption of an iced vanilla coffee (a relatively inexpensive treat ~ a cost more to my health than my wallet).
it was then that i saw her, with her curly, gray-blond hair falling to her shoulders. she was wearing comfortable pants a little high of her ankles, her feet within well-worn sneakers, and her eyes viewing the world through simple-framed glasses. she stood there, wrapped in a wool wrap at the exit of the parking lot.
no chance, really, to avoid her wanting gaze. nor did i want to. on the contrary, my heart felt drawn to her. i found myself noticing her beauty. she didn’t seem quite homeless, perhaps just down ‘n out – a victim of these challenging economic times.
i looked in my wallet, finding just a couple of 1’s and a 5 dollar bill. normally, i’d not think twice about keeping the 5 where it was and releasing the 1’s to a new home. after all, i live paycheck to paycheck like many. but this time i thought, “what the heck. i’ll give her the 5. she needs it more than i, no doubt.”
i wish i could say this was all ego-less generosity born out of my heart’s evergrowing compassion, but i’m pretty sure it was my ego, indeed, that was looking forward to seeing her notice it was a 5 dollar bill rather than a 1 dollar bill.
i rolled down my window and handed her the 5 dollar bill along with a smile. she readily received the 5, smiled in return with pleasant appreciation. then, as if trying to reassure me of my contribution to her need, she said, “thank you. every little bit counts.”
every little bit counts?!
ha! i drove away with a huge smile, a laugh, and joy in my heart. the little quirky, down ‘n out beauty gave me a great gift…an ego reality check and a moment of zen.
sweet surrender…
my body weakened
wrapped in a swirl of blankets
who knew beds have arms?
mmmm. being sick. oh, i hesitate to even say “sick”. it’s a cold, a summer cold. i would say, “i’m under the weather.” but in truth, when i am sick, i feel like i’m right, smack-dab, in the middle of the weather…not under it.
there is a part of me that enjoys being under the weather, though.
it’s the part of me that realizes that pausing in life, that resting in life, is important. it’s the part of me that realizes that, indeed, i cannot control or even really navigate that successfully through a life that is impermanent and ever-changing. it’s the part of me that deep down, welcomes…surrender.
oh, don’t get me wrong. well before the little buddha within can say, “yes. surrender. take this moment to just breathe”, the big Jaysen Ego steps forward and says, “you think you can take me, summer cold? just try it.”
you see, there is a part of my ego that says – hey, you live a healthy lifestyle. you are active. you are a vegetarian. you take a good multi-vitamin (it’s called Alive! in case you wanted to know…available at Henry’s). you meditate and try to live in Love. so surely you can avoid this silly sickness that seems to be wreaking havoc on those around you – it is in these moments that i very conveniently forget what The Buddha taught…none of us can escape aging, illness and death.
but in a single moment, i knew i was doomed. it was when my buddha-bro and soul-friend, Trevor got sick. you see, whatever i’ve gained in physical or spiritual health, i’m pretty sure Trevor got there first and is a few levels above me. although he’s younger (which has it’s own benefits) he’s done this longer…and by longer, i’m pretty sure i’m speaking about lifetimes. and it doesn’t help that other friends often say that we are like twin-souls or that we are like the same person…
…so when he got sick, i knew it was coming for me. no running, no escape.
and it hit. hard enough to send me home from work. hard enough for me to ignore the many things i thought i needed, or wanted to do. hard enough for me to let go and go to bed. hard enough for me to…surrender.
and you know what?
it felt good.
peace and love, my friends…
~ j
The Metta Garden 