how can i live
in this pain anymore?
my days
have been long filled
with hurt
with feelings of betrayal
and then
today
with a nudging from Life
our eyes met
looking deeply at you
truly, mindfully
seeing you
how can i be angry?
looking in your eyes i see
a child frightened, broken
desperately searching, seeking
longing to be understood
longing to know Love
i understand
looking in your eyes
i see me
it seems
that every morning a
soul-hungry-knife
waits, ready to
pick anew my wounded heart
i suppose i should thank it
and call it “friend”
keeping me from
closing up…
or off
to see you, the one, arrive each day
as two
brings the hurt back
even knowing you are not
mine to keep – to hold onto
this jealousy
as if there is such a thing
as “mine”
so ridiculous and seductive
the ego’s grasping
emotions
a whirling balloon on
restless wind
an uncaptained boat on
a raging sea
i cling to the Dharma
knowing
all will change
all will fade away
and yet in some way…
continue on
dying to my self
my ideas – my dreams
nothing to own – nothing to hold
of you and me
i fade
a lonely road
paved with wounds
watered with tears
tears giving life
sprouts of hope
a hope for a love complete
whatever that is…
i don’t know
i only know to hope for it
even as i know to breathe
even now
i hold you in my heart
so be well, dear friend
so be happy, dear love
and be at peace
for in my heart
you will remain
even as i fade away
and yet
continue on in some other way…
precious
let go
you’re far too beautiful
to hold onto such
ugliness…
my friends ~
i haven’t been writing lately. words, for the time, have escaped me. i simply don’t have anything to say. i did come across, today, a poem by Thich Nhat Hanh, however, which i’d like to share.
he wrote this poem after the town of Ben Tre had been bombed by U.S. forces during the Vietnam war. this poem is about anger. i was taken back when i read it today. only hours earlier, i sat in the green-room at work (dealing with my own anger and hurt) with my face in my two hands…comforted as i simply would breathe in and out. now for Thay’s words ~
I hold my face in my two hands.
No, I am not crying.
I hold my face in my two hands
to keep my loneliness warm –
two hands protecting,
two hands nourishing,
two hands preventing
my soul from leaving me
in anger.
i am
exhausted
my heart
grows weary
morning
noon and
night
anger jealously and hurt
come
to feed on this
weakened muscle
and this
tired soul
they leave nothing but
scraps of guilt
in
their gluttonous wake
i am exhausted
my heart grows weary
morning noon and night
i think i shall plant Love
in
this broken heart and weeping soul
we’ll see how they like feeding on that!
how can i, my love
define this friendship?
how can words
no matter their arrangement,
in all their
beauty, their splendor
their juiciness
how can any word
bring witness or testify
to the truth
of
you and me?
let us
throw away all words, friend
my love
for all fall short of
two who share
one heart
there is, my friend
a gentle breeze
that silently teases
my heart
whenever your words
pass by
would you do me a favor?
and
speak to me,
once again…
i bury myself deep
within
this bed of grief
wildly wrapping myself
in
sheets of anger and hurt
twisted and tangled
in
despair
memory washes over me
in
waves
uprooting these shallow feet
my breath barely escaping
this
heavily weighted chest
Oh!
To clear this crowded mind
and
reclaim this broken heart!
i stand naked in the desert
waiting
for Love to surprise me…
how many times can this heart break?
i feel there’s no more room for wounds.
and yet my heart opens a bit more, once again, in defiance.
ready to hurt.
ready to love.
such a strange, hopeful little muscle.
in my anger
i become a ghost
in my Love
i become human
The Metta Garden 