i think we have a role to play in getting there – and seeing, and living it, here.
keeping hearts open and embodying love, may we be instruments of peace and healing, relieving the world of suffering.
~j
⭕️♥️🙏🏻
*Julian of Norwich was a 14th Century Christian Mystic and contemplative. A devout Roman Catholic, Julian was an anchoress, a solitary, who during deep illness almost to the point of death, received visions or as she called them, and later titled her writings, Showings. In these “showings” Christ came to her and she saw no blame in his heart, only pure love and compassion, like that of a mother. She came to understand this love as one absolutely committed to universal restoration or universal salvation, pushing the boundaries of the Church’s more mainstream understanding.
today, Friday 8/25/23, my dad passed away, at 7:23 am with my sister and i holding his hands, talking to him, reading to him, praying for him, watching the last of his breath as he slept, peacefully, just as he had always wanted.
we were able to make it so for him thanks to Avalon hospice, their training, and medicinal assistance. this was after a past couple of months marked by increased declines, less plateaus between. legs no longer able to walk, then no longer able to stand, to the point that my sister had to begin to co-care with me (we’re a good team btw, i’m so grateful for her). then these past weeks my dad’s speech began leaving and eventually his ability to eat or drink. dad began his transition last Saturday and my sister and i spent these last 6 days sitting vigil as much as we could, while attending to him, caring for him, being Love for him. we barely slept all week, not wanting to miss his needs or his departure. so so hard. BUT important, needed, precious, and sacred.
i’ve tried to come up with the words of what to say, throughout this day, but have struggled to move through the swirling dance of emotions, exhaustion, sadness, unexpected sadness out of nowhere at times.
i’ve been my dad’s full time caregiver for the past three years. days starting at 7am and ending at 9pm. it has been the most challenging thing i’ve ever done. consistently pushing up against what i thought were my limits. life has been teaching hard lessons these past few years. my dad had Parkinson’s Disease along with Lewy Body Dementia and caring for him during his decline became my life. these diseases are cruel and relentless and even though i began saying goodbye a long time ago, it feels no less surreal that this day has arrived. they call it the “long goodbye” which may give the impression that it is perhaps easier? it’s not easier, but it is, perhaps, less traumatic. it’s expected. and in the midst of all of this there is still grace – to have the opportunity to say all that needs to be said, practice letting go. yes, practicing letting go. i told my dad several months ago when we could still have such occasional conversations that i was sorry for how hard these diseases have been, but they also were giving us the opportunity to learn to let go, something not everyone gets, even though everyone of us has to let go in the end. little by little he had to let go, and little by little we had to let go with him, beside him, and eventually of him. but letting go doesn’t mean to stop loving. i think it may call upon us to love even more, to BE Love even more. if we look closely and listen deeply, we see Love pervades all.
my dad’s life was more than the last 6 or 7 years of these diseases. he was born September 2, 1945 and would have been 78 in just 8 days. my dad married, had two children. he has 8 grandchildren. my dad did lighting design and stage management for theatre in high school. he worked in law enforcement, he had a long and varied career in the car business, he even owned and operated a small shoe repair shop when we lived for a short time in McCall, Idaho. my dad loved work. he lost his own father at the age of 5, so providing, being a provider was important to him. he loved fishing and golf. and in these later years, loved watching History Channel, Animal Planet, and Discovery.
all relationships are complicated, as was ours, but there was love, always love. i knew he loved me and he knew i loved him. he loved Oldies Music from the 50’s and 60’s, passing that love on to my sister and me. these last couple of weeks, we had it constantly playing in the background for him.
my tears are such a mix of sadness at his already felt absence, but also of gratitude that he isn’t suffering these diseases anymore and that he had such a peaceful death in his sleep. i’m humbled and feel so privileged to have been present with my sister as he passed, bearing witness, and holding the space with immense love and tenderness, warmth and light. it has ripped my heart open. this is a gift.
i will miss him, i miss him, but i’m so grateful for him and his life. a life brought forth from Love, carried in Love, and now transitioned in Love. i have faith in such Love and i have learned we can be present in such spaces, spaces of sadness, spaces of fear and uncertainty, spaces of loss and grief. we can be more courageous than we feel and our hearts can open wider than we think possible. this is all love also. it is Love that shows us we can love and be love embodied and present.
may all know such love, and may all be such love for others.
the path before us will always challenge our attachments and push us to let go.
but there is Love. the path is always paved with Love. the Love from which all things arise, all things are carried, and to which all things return. reconciled and restored.
Love wastes nothing. all is enveloped and transformed by the inherent luminous beauty that is Love.
may we have eyes to see, ears to hear, and hearts open to Love.
my Aunt Dee Dee, Linda Blackstock, my mom’s only sister passed away last night.
she had just turned 71 July 26th, the same birthday as my nephew Levi. birthday twins. my aunt loved sending cards – birthday, Christmas – she didn’t miss one that i can think of. it’s a lost art most people don’t appreciate anymore. i loved it. i tried in my own feeble attempt to join her and send one to her as well. i sent this year’s a week late with a little addendum since i heard she had just gone to the hospital. i added my well wishes for healing and a full recovery. we all expected that. we had no reason not to as far as we knew. i don’t know if she ever saw it.
most of my childhood, Christmas’, Thanksgivings, Easter’s were shared with her and family. so much life shared. my heart is with them and holding them all – my uncle, my cousins, her grandson, my mom’s side of the family, all with love.
i’m grateful for her life, i’m grateful she isn’t suffering, i’m grateful for the love shared.
i’m grateful she got to make her move to Pahrump, Nevada five years ago to her new home which she so wanted and loved. i’m grateful we got to see her, post pandemic, this past winter and visit.
i’m including some pictures, the last i have with her, from their send off to Pahrump. i gave her an enso calligraphy for her new home as a going away and housewarming gift. it reads:
“Breathe, you are home.”
and now, i’m thinking that message is even more appropriate.
i’m also including a quote from a Buddhist text, the Bardo Thodol. i find it so beautiful and comforting. it’s a prayer said for those who have passed. my Aunt had a deep belief in God from her Christian faith, but the description doesn’t feel too dissimilar to share. where else may we find Home?
prayers all who inhabit Maui, human and animal alike, for safety, well-being, and relief from these crazy wildfires.
it’s important to recognize that these are the scenarios climate scientists warned about decades ago, all coming to fruition. this is what we can expect in the coming years – and worse – if world governments and corporations don’t drastically scale back emissions and all that’s contributing to climate change. it is our job as citizens to use our voices and pocketbooks to force their hand. 🌎💚🙏🏻
On a relative level, wisdom is not wisdom when compassion is not also present (it is simply moralism); and compassion is not compassion when wisdom is not also present (it is some kind of foolishness). On an absolute level, the union of wisdom and compassion is nothing more or less than our true nature, the silence that gives rise to all sound and the space that exists between all thought.
Of course our meditation practice is the way we cultivate a connection to this profound wisdom. As we sit, we practice letting go, over and over, thought by thought. When we space out, something comes from somewhere, completely fresh and utterly spontaneous, saying, “hey, come back.”
We can trust our practice, implicitly and completely. Wisdom is as omnipresent as space itself. To see it, all we have to do is relax.
Where do you experience how compassion and wisdom intertwine in your own life?
i was 11 when Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure came out (1985). directed by Tim Burton with a Danny Elfman score with the incredibly unique creative stamp of Paul Reubens who had spent years creating and perfecting the character of Pee-Wee Herman – having a stage show and HBO special about it prior. it was, perhaps, destined for success and cult status.
although he had many other memorable roles (i’m thinking Nightmare Before Christmas. and remember Mystery Men?! 😂) Pee-Wee stands the test of time through generations. just a couple of years ago, my nieces, nephews and i happened upon Pee-Wee’s Big Holiday (made in 2016) and they LOVED it. they still want to see it each year and it’s become a tradition. imagine that – creating a character that still connects with kids nearly 40 years later.
may he be remembered for all the good, laughter, and joy he so uniquely brought into the world.
where there is cruelty may we choose to embody kindness in our words and actions, reminding the world that there is love, there are those who continue to choose love, who choose to practice kindness.
The Metta Garden 