🌀

today, Friday 8/25/23, my dad passed away, at 7:23 am with my sister and i holding his hands, talking to him, reading to him, praying for him, watching the last of his breath as he slept, peacefully, just as he had always wanted. 

we were able to make it so for him thanks to Avalon hospice, their training, and medicinal assistance. this was after a past couple of months marked by increased declines, less plateaus between. legs no longer able to walk, then no longer able to stand, to the point that my sister had to begin to co-care with me (we’re a good team btw, i’m so grateful for her). then these past weeks my dad’s speech began leaving and eventually his ability to eat or drink. dad began his transition last Saturday and my sister and i spent these last 6 days sitting vigil as much as we could, while attending to him, caring for him, being Love for him. we barely slept all week, not wanting to miss his needs or his departure. so so hard. BUT important, needed, precious, and sacred.

i’ve tried to come up with the words of what to say, throughout this day, but have struggled to move through the swirling dance of emotions, exhaustion, sadness, unexpected sadness out of nowhere at times.

i’ve been my dad’s full time caregiver for the past three years. days starting at 7am and ending at 9pm. it has been the most challenging thing i’ve ever done. consistently pushing up against what i thought were my limits. life has been teaching hard lessons these past few years. my dad had Parkinson’s Disease along with Lewy Body Dementia and caring for him during his decline became my life. these diseases are cruel and relentless and even though i began saying goodbye a long time ago, it feels no less surreal that this day has arrived. they call it the “long goodbye” which may give the impression that it is perhaps easier? it’s not easier, but it is, perhaps, less traumatic. it’s expected. and in the midst of all of this there is still grace – to have the opportunity to say all that needs to be said, practice letting go. yes, practicing letting go. i told my dad several months ago when we could still have such occasional conversations that i was sorry for how hard these diseases have been, but they also were giving us the opportunity to learn to let go, something not everyone gets, even though everyone of us has to let go in the end. little by little he had to let go, and little by little we had to let go with him, beside him, and eventually of him. but letting go doesn’t mean to stop loving. i think it may call upon us to love even more, to BE Love even more. if we look closely and listen deeply, we see Love pervades all.

my dad’s life was more than the last 6 or 7 years of these diseases. he was born September 2, 1945 and would have been 78 in just 8 days. my dad married, had two children. he has 8 grandchildren. my dad did lighting design and stage management for theatre in high school. he worked in law enforcement, he had a long and varied career in the car business, he even owned and operated a small shoe repair shop when we lived for a short time in McCall, Idaho. my dad loved work. he lost his own father at the age of 5, so providing, being a provider was important to him. he loved fishing and golf. and in these later years, loved watching History Channel, Animal Planet, and Discovery.

all relationships are complicated, as was ours, but there was love, always love. i knew he loved me and he knew i loved him. he loved Oldies Music from the 50’s and 60’s, passing that love on to my sister and me. these last couple of weeks, we had it constantly playing in the background for him.

my tears are such a mix of sadness at his already felt absence, but also of gratitude that he isn’t suffering these diseases anymore and that he had such a peaceful death in his sleep. i’m humbled and feel so privileged to have been present with my sister as he passed, bearing witness, and holding the space with immense love and tenderness, warmth and light. it has ripped my heart open. this is a gift.

i will miss him, i miss him, but i’m so grateful for him and his life. a life brought forth from Love, carried in Love, and now transitioned in Love. i have faith in such Love and i have learned we can be present in such spaces, spaces of sadness, spaces of fear and uncertainty, spaces of loss and grief. we can be more courageous than we feel and our hearts can open wider than we think possible. this is all love also. it is Love that shows us we can love and be love embodied and present.

may all know such love, and may all be such love for others.

~j

⭕️♥️🙏🏻

#Life #Death #Love #OneWithTheForce #OpenHeart #LettingGo #Path #Practice